Yesterday, I was on a mission. First off. Clean the house. Yes, I have a cleaning lady or two. Sometimes, a "personal assistant" -- ie. a good friend that helps me out, especially when I am stressed out and intimidated by cleaning ladies. Yeah, that's right. I said it. I get intimidated easily. I feel insecure. I feel that I am not good enough. Way too often. I am sure you are now rolling your eyes in disbelief.
I "can" be very outspoken. To some people. To those I know so closely and so deeply that regardless of what I say, they will still be there for me. Love me anyway. Not so with cleaning ladies. I can appear very together for short bursts of time. Notsomuch in the long haul. I won't bore you with a diatribe on inadequate body parts and a forever shrinking amount of stamina. I want to believe that we all have at least one or two crosses to bear. But, in the corners of mind, I can do it, be it All. How do I reconcile?
I hear tales of chopping and filling crockpots at 6:00 a.m. and I see creatures dropping off kids at school who resemble moms, but are all decked out and coiffed, ready to start their days at 7:00 a.m. Who are these people? Have they been sent here to shame me into getting my !@#$ together? Okay, for the sake of reality here, I know that these super-creatures aren't everywhere. Or so I am told. They just seem to gravitate in My rear view mirror. Or up close in front of my dashboard. I want to run them over. Oooops. Sorry. One down.
I am not talking about those who Must get up early, get dressed and get to work on time (que BTO tune here). I get that. I've done that. I am talking about the moms who are fortunate enough to stay at home. Those who answer unto themselves. Those who are thy own bosses. Where on Earth do they get their drive? Day in, day out. Same dance. Same song. Same laundry. Just a different day.
A few days ago, I took that shower at 6:00 a.m. - just because. I took the meat out of the freezer early enough for once that we could actually eat it for dinner. I was the put together one in the school drop-off lane. I went grocery shopping at 9:00 a.m. Who knew you couldn't go to Sam's Cub that early without a Special Blue Card? And so I went to Meijer instead. Who knew that I would be one of only six cars in the lot?
Maybe some of those moms went back to bed. Maybe some of them are watching Oprah or reading a rag mag. Maybe some of them have laundry piled up and dishes in the sink. Maybe some of them are holing up in their homes so they aren't outted. Maybe some of them are feeling really insecure.
Sometimes (actually most of the time), I feel like I am the only one who feels this way. No one ever talks about it. All too often, I feel that the Not Good Enough Syndrome is So taboo that we actually don't want to admit that it exists altogether, especially amongst stay at home moms. Why is it So taboo to tell anyone that you don't always have it all together? I am outting myself right now!
Since I have started this blog, I have had thoughts of not being good enough to blog, that my house isn't good enough or clean enough to blog about. That what I have to say is irrelevant. Blah, Blah, Blah. How ridiculous is that? I am going to try to wrap my head around this one and chance it. Jumping in. Sooooooo, after this post, I will be posting pictures (as soon as I figure out how). Things upon which I wanted your input from the get go. Feeling exposed? Yes, but I am jumping in anyway. I have things to say!!!! I want to feel the sense of fellowship that comes from blogging. Dirty laundry and all, real and otherwise.